Brendas Feelings
it in the first place...I guess I just need them all a tad longer than expected. I have never been someone who thinks negatively — I have always focused on the positives. I never had too many anxieties or worries,, and never held onto stresses for too long.
I would always figure out what needed to be done and then did the best I could to move on, happy and worry-free. But now, not so much. I worry about my health, along with every ache and pain. I think about all the possibilities of what could attack my body. I think about my hubby, and my family.
I think about cancer finding its way back into my life. Although I am a strong person and live a healthy lifestyle, I feel vulnerable all the time. What if the cancer never left? I sometimes fear that it will never be gone. Is anyone ever truly "cancer-free?
"How do you explain to your loved ones that it isn't as easy as it seems, when they say "Get over it", "Don't think that", or "It's gone, so focus on that". Yes, we try to do that, but without wanting it, we think of the negative and darker stuff and especially of all those "what if's." Then we struggle with the guilt of thinking those negative thoughts, so we start to lie when asked "How are you doing?"
If you ask me how I'm doing, and I answer honestly by telling you that I'm worried, please accept my answer. You asked and I answered. It might not be all sunshine, rainbows or fluffy puppies but it is where I am at.
Yes I am grateful for my life and my health but I want to be OK with this second stage of feeling scared, worried, and anxious. I can't quite explain why these thoughts are poisoning my mind but I want to be allowed to go through this part and hope I can continue to have the same support I had at the beginning. My support systems are what got me through
Newcastle upon Tyne, United Kingdom